Black Monday the 13th

>> 16 August 2012

The irony here would be that my black Monday is the Monday of my only week of holidays. Perhaps it falling on the 13th of the month has a lot to do with the unpleasantness it brought on today.

Its been four years since she had been diagnosed with kidney failure and  began her dialysis treatment. Throughout the four years, we had always hoped things would get better, that one day she would come out of it. There have been some bad days before but things have been pretty smooth until the beginning of this February. Till date, nobody can point out what exactly went wrong, how it happened or why. All we know is that at this stage, she is in end stage renal failure and also, she has some cardiac complications. She was advised for pacemaker implant in February but given her tender age and small physique, the cardiologist thought it best to continue with the conservative management for now. Her dialysis sessions are on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, the problem usually sets in on Sunday evening as there is a two day gap. The common scenario on Monday night would be one where she suffers from a continuous productive cough throughout Monday night, depriving her of a sleep, resulting in severe chest cramps. Vomiting phlegm was frequent and painful, and  Occasionally, she would have cramps in the calves . But that was the extent of it. This week however, it got way more intense.

She no longer sleeps on a bed, she sleeps on the arm of a couch in the hall with head raised and rested on 4-5 pillows (orthopnea) . Since I was back home, I slept in the hall with her as she is known to wake up at night with attacks of breathlessness( PND). That morning about 7, she woke up, coughing, almost chocking and said she cant breathe. She could barely speak , her chest muscles were all tight , her breathing was really shallow and rapid about 38 breaths per minute. She even coughed out pinkish frothy sputum for the first time that morning.  Soon to follow were the leg cramps and at this time, she was so weak she couldnt even get up from the lying position. Though she wasnt scheduled for a session, we rushed her to the dialysis center in GH hoping they would spare her a slot however, for birocratic purposes they told us to get her first admitted in casualty. Knowing that would only delay her access to a dialysis session, we brought her to Mawar Center but recived a call from the hospital about 15 minutes later that the specialist in GH insist on seeing her in the casualty.

Upon returning back to the casualty, she was wheel chaired in and given a bed. Her vitals were monitored. And for "formality " purpose, they inserted a canulla ( painfully ) to draw blood. Before anything could happen, some retarded  bitch just threw the heavy white blanket over her and it kinda displaced the canulla. She was already in much distress but once this happen, she began to cry , in pain and I just yelled at all who were attending to her. Im not one to make a scene, sober, but this is just way over the line for it to happen in the A&E in a well established General Hospital. They had the nerve to ask me to leave , I just told them if they can act so carelessly with my sister right in front of my eyes, who knows what rubbish thwy would do in my absence.The pediatrician managed to get her the slot in the dialysis center. and she was sent from the casualty to the dialysis center via ambulance. 

She felt a lot better after the two hour session of dialysis but that wasn't the end of our problem. With her symptoms as well as apex beat severely displaced, she is suspected to be suffering from dilated cardiomyopathy, at the age of 14. Till date the cause of her kidney failure is not known, nor do we know for sure which was affected first, her heart or her kidneys.  Her best option now would be a biventricular pacemaker implant, the earliest she would get an appointment with IJN again would be in 2 weeks. We can only get a complete picture of her hearts condition then , so we are all hoping for the very best. It is quite depressing when all were focus on her kidney failure, that nobody assessed her heart function and now it has gone into a severe degree of cardiac failure. The guilt of negligence will haunt us for life but we still have to strive to give her the very best now.

On a brighter side of life, my dog gave birth to 7 puppies. It really was an exciting moment for all of us at home.  Now we have 10 dogs at home. =.= Seriously, anyone out there wanna pet to add some excitement in your lives? Only, you may need to undergo an interrogation  session with my sister. 

Currently on my study break but that seems to be the only thing I havent been doing. Couldnt be bothered really but I still have to do what I have to for myself. Gaahh.. 



>> 21 May 2012

<p>Day 1, week 8 of phase 2. Phase 2 has been pretty interesting . It started with a bang for some 13 students. Yerp, the attendance thing. Luckily for 11 of us, we werent deported back to manipal instead, we had to replace postings on saturdays, 8 - 1. Cant really complain especially wen home is just 45 minutes away :) 5 saturdays down, one more to go. Hence, a wonderful begining to phase 2.
In the next six weeks, I dealt with adrenaline rush, surge, and toxicity. Praising my luck, I began with surgery. :0 I dont mean to mislead with my pointless ramblings for I did acquire dense knowledge, skills as well as the confidence in dealing with patients. And I did have a great time. However, diamonds can never come to be without pressure. :) some of my personal encounters
" the lift is for patients and elderly such as myself. GET YOUR BIG ASS UP THERE AND CALL THEM DWN" I hadnt fully comprehended the statement but I found myself running 4 floors up the stairs. &lt;br&gt;<br>
Scene 2 : " ill give you ten minutes, get a blade and shave your bloody face clean if you want your attendence" if u had passed by the public toilet on first floor of MGH, that morning 1125 am you would have seen Barney (i was in purple that day) in a labcoat and tie, shaving frantically with nothing but tap water and blood stains over my chin. A lesson well learnt.<br>
Some of the words often heard during posting : bloddy donkey, stupid ass, yiddiot, get out!, stand in the corner... Then again, no pressure no diamonds. Safe to say, I can deal with abdominal cases pretty well and in the end of the day all he wants is to instill a professional attitude in the coming generations if doctors. Not many are willing to pick up that responsibility, so count your blessings :) surgery was interesting and fun, really miss it especially with the marked downgrade of workload wen you get into psych. In psych, you feel more and more like a patient than a doctor to be.&nbsp; Ive been pretty forgetful lately, actually ive always been pretty careless with my things. I lost my labcoat once and had to miss class which is totally against my new found professional principles in life. But seriously, miss one posting and you actually misd out a lot of knowledge you wont b able to extracr from the textbooks. I did find my labcoat though, left it in class:s I also thot I once lost my wallet, and I actually went back home to seremban due to the insecurities if being penniless, only for my sister to find it the back seat of my car. </p>
<p>Attendance is like the biggest drama in campus. After weeks of escaping proxies, we got caught. And I am the reason why we got caught. :( I was absent for the friday lecture session but my name was signed for. Until now, its unclear who actually did it but if ur reading this, thank you for trying to help. Only, you should noe that in every class the lecturers do ask for the CRs so theres no way we can escape witg proxy. More so since my presence is pretty significant visually.&nbsp; Apparently someone complained to big pa pa that students are giving proxy during bsr. If you really had a pblm, why not voice it out to the class first, or voice it out to the class reps , or even bring it to the attention of the faculty in charge instead of being a coward, going behind our backs and causing much distress to everyone. Why? </p>
<p>Nothing much to note on the high school drama that still lingers but I do wish to make a stand. Im sorrry I cant change the past, I can only learn from it. I understand bitching is a habbit thats hard to die and I cant expect much from you but id appreciate if you stay out of my life, if you cant mind your own business. So yea. Psychoses seems like a pretty valid coping mechanism in dealing with retards-induced stress.:) </p>
<p>Currently composing this post during lecture. :) waiting for my umobile number to be activated for unlimited internet access. They are already three days  late. Since last night, theres been no water supply in the guys hostel. So much for the sky high fees cant even take a morning wash for class oso. :( so much to complain, so little mood, so little time.</p>


adieu tonsils!

>> 05 March 2012

Post op day 10. it still hurts when I swallow, when I yawn, and lets just be glad I have not sneezed in the past week and half. I got  a to see the scabs yesterday, im guessing it should fall off real soon. God, what a week it had been. These immunocompetent tissues, as wiki quotes on the tonsils,  are the immune system's first line of defense against ingested or inhaled foreign pathogens. For me, they had been the biggest pain in the arse ( wrong end ) for as long as I can remember. Despite the array of antibiotics I've popped on and the occasional admission , the coccis refuse to part from my tonsils.

" Recurrent episodes of tonsillitis in the past 18 months, with or without rise in temperature during the episodes, ear irritation present , on examination , patient is afebrile with no lymphadenopathy. How would you interprate the findings?" he asks the attending PG
* this is exactly what I needed, to feel like a guinea pig in the midst of anxiety and pain, with my mouth wide open and him sticking cold metallic instruments down my throat. Its fair though, ive been using people the same way throughout my 5th sem in Manipal so I dont think I have the rights to complain *
" This may be a case of * gibberish * *gibberish* or maybe an early stage of oral cancer?"
*with my mouth still held opened wide, and the blinding light against my face : WHAT!? WHAT DID U JUST SAY?! SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING FAST?? the agonizing brief pause of silence felt like ages, waiting for the specialists reply. Oh God, pls make him say something to discard the possibility of malignancy*
" Justify..." he says.
* ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME! CAN YOU TALK TO ME, HE CAN GO LEARN SOME OTHER TIME! THIS CANNOT BE CANCER. IT CANNOT. and my eyes start filling up. The PG was talking but I just went numb. *
He takes out the metallic thingy and I get to close my mouth. He switches off his torch and at this point, we both realize the presence of the creek from my eyes. He turns to the PG
" Excellent! Education has been wasted on you.. This is a case of chrnonic suppurative tonsillitis" He turns to me,
" Relax yea, its completely benign but it seems like the drugs offer no help in relieving you of your symptoms. It does seem to be looking more bizzare and painful this time"
* I swear I did not need the drama, it still took some time to settle the turbulence of thoughts and emotions within*
" We could put you on a another course of antibiotics * probably my 7th or 8th course in the past 18 mths* but perhaps you should consider a tonsillectomy"
" You could get admitted today, tomorrow morning we will remove them and u can get discharged on thursday if all is well"
* --aat!!??*
And so after weighing my circumstances, the complications, the pro's and con's, i went for it ( in the quiet =S
It would be cheaper to do it here, Medicare. I wanted to finish it off here before going home and yea, I have more faith in Indian doctors. Besides, it would be so mafan to wanna do it here.

From the time of admission, the levels of anxiety rose proportionately to the duration of stay. The nurse staff  did not make it any easier. The night, i had to go for an ECG and CXR for the anesthesiologists. For my built, I may respond to the anesthetics a bit differently so yea.

Wednesday, 11.30 am, I was rolled into the Operation Teathre. Thank God for two of my friends who followed me, I swear I was on the verge of a breakdown. I understand tonsillectomy is like a super minor procedure in the field of surgery but still, the gown, the lights, the beeping machines, and the smell, just the whole damned environment feeds the restlessness and the worry. Anyways, I laid helplessly in the Pre-Op room in a foreign land , alone, Shit, im being drama again for four hours before being brought to the O/T. I was rolled in at 3.30pm , lines were pricked, I heard my heart beat through the beeping machine, the oxygen mask covered half my face * there's no turning back now*  tempe retard tried to make small talk with me and then " admin two and half syringes of propofol " *SHIT, I KNOW WATS THAT* " you're gonna feel sleepy now" * the movie AWAKE plays in my head * "just relax" *WHAT if I dont wake up?* "Gibberish" *anytime now... *
"THARUMAN!! THARUMAN!!! WAKE UP!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?" *omg retard yes i can hear, can u let me sleep bitch * "THARUMAN WAKE UP!" I managed to open my eyes at the retard."ARE YOU OKAY!?" * stop yelling * "yea.." 
The first few minutes, I spent my energy in getting my bearings straight. I looked around for any familiar faces but all I saw were hospital staff in the uniforms walking about.  It took me some time to gather that I had just come out of a tonsillectomy. I couldnt feel a thing , initially but soon, the nauseating stench of burnt blood filled my mouth. Just as I open my mouth to wanna puke, a sharp pain paralyzed me and made me drop back to bed. Oh my god. The pain - I had never experienced anything that bad before. The pain added up to the emoness and I was about to start tearing wen I heard a familiar voice " Are you okay?" Shafiq had been waiting in the post op. I nodded. Wasnt paying much attention to him though - the pain just took control of me for the rest of the day. I gathered he was told to leave for kepoh ing in another case. Us malaysians =) A little while later, more familiar voices arrived. Lee Sharu, Vanessa and Lynda, I gathered it was 6.15 and I would be brought back to my ward in 15 mins. Back in my ward, San Hoe and Shafiq waited. Ran and Mel came later . The pain was extremely excruciating that day and I was still drowsy from the GA. Couldnt be bothered to layan people much. I was told to eat ice cream and someone actually took the trouble to get me some. I could barely eat. I repeat : the pain was excruciating. 

Waking up the next day was a horrid experience, my mouth was just too dry and the taste of blood persisted. I couldnt speak but I forced myself to when I returned like 10 missed calls from home. At this point, I would have to note that the ppl back home were completely oblivious to the fact that I had undergone this op. I felt it was unnecessary to worry them and that I would be back soon enough to tell them, So yea, speaking to dad the next morning was painful but I had to kawal macho.The pain peaked around the 5th and 6th day, coinciding with my Comprehensives. Damned streptococci. 

 Anyways, its day 10 today, the pain is very much reduced and can makan solid meals ady. It was an experience lah. To those of you with tonsils problem here's a piece of advice :
- never ever take it for granted!!
- antibiotics super important and make sure u finish the course. t. Augmentin is amazing. 
- if by chance u eventually require a tonsillectomy : its gonna hurt real bad, but proper HYDRATION is the golden key to a speedy recovery. It would be difficult to swallow even water but you'd have to.salt water gargle helps to. But I think is appropriate from day 7 onwards. It may burn but it really helps. A great tip from Dr. U Santosh Pai. 

Thanks to all those who visited me in the hospital. It meant a lot having company wen ur in pain and feeling helpless. A friend in need is a friend indeed. =)



>> 28 January 2012

;In 4 days, the first month of 2012u will be over. In 4 weeks, phase 1 of med school will be over. Time. period. A.m.a.z.i.n.g...; 2012 has been OKAY. Not great. But not bad though. It sure aa heck hasnt been a prosperous one. Its just four weeks till I leave this cash sucking blackhole and its goodbye budget. Hello melaka!

Somehow the weirdest most dramatic things happen to me. Have u ever heard of a toilet on fire? Well, the that was exactly how the new year greeted me. The chronology : my bathroom light socket had broken. Too cheap n too much of a hassles to get it repaired, I used candles as a source if illumination. Come new years eve, a pre party gathering was planned at my place so I left a candle lit.; we left to edge just half an hour to the break of new year. Had a great celebration to welcome 2012. Headed to the after party WEN I get a call around 3am saying : I think ur house is on fire. Fuck the alcohol. Adrenaline took charge for the next hour. I opened my door to a room filled with white smoke down to the waist. Opened the bathroom door, wat was once a flushing device hours ago was now burning waste on the ground. The candle had fallen over to the tank and ta-daa! The overwhelming helplessness .... A mistake that cost me 4.5k and constipation. 

Moving on further into the new year, the attendance lists , though not complete, had been put up and half the class has been enlisted. For postings I suffer from shortage in obg only as I was away for week. Commed .pffft. Anyways, the college was kind enough to allow compensation through blood drive n marching to those with shortage. The blood drive went in smoothly though I had to make a scene as usual. Donating blood is a noble deed. I feel extremely shameless for doing it for the sake of attendance. The fact that I have done it twice before , sincerely, offers some sort of consolation but still.. =(  The march pass ......... Was a roller coaster from the start. I sincerely appreciate the effort but u were lucky to get a spot in it considering the though fight among fellow batchmates to join. All you had to do was to show up for a total of 4 hours of practice and on that day. That also u failed to keep up to. Its bad enough that u made it extremely difficult for the people who wished to help you but u had the freaking guts to lie straight to my face. And u only have yourself to blame for the shortage despite the proxies. I will have to submit a list of those who were present for both practice n on that day. Give me one reason I should cover up for u - AGAIN. Well the overall performance was horrible on our part. But there's nothing much to expect WEN it was done just for the sake of attendance. For how long do u think u can get away with your bullshit? Reap what u sow. 

On a different note. Things change and people are bound to leave. They may forget the things u have said to them, they may even forget the things u have done for them. But they can never forget the way u made them feel. Thats why , try to be a reason for their smiles and their laughter. Even if they leave, you'd know its their loss. Not urs.But i really do wish they dont. It was hard already the first time.  

On a brighter side of life, Batch 25 won the Interbatch tournament 2011 =))) ahh.. SWEET moment of fame =)))

And, another trip to mangalore.

 I know its not doing my budget good, but I insist on enjoying Manipal to the max before I return. Its my last chance. I have already compromised enough the past two years. =.= 

So much for the resolution of being drama-free. pffft
Ill be smelling the sweet air of Malaysia in 4 weeks.*


>> 04 January 2012

Dear God, 
Thank you For the wonderfully loving family and amazing friends both in Seremban in Manipal.  Pray we stay happy, healthy and together throughout the new year. Thank you for the bitter lessons and sweet rewards. Please continue to shower your grace upon us as we enter 2012. Last but not least , thank you for the gift of facebook =)
p/s : sorry Im quite the drama b*tch but I will try to work on it. Try. 
With lots of love. Yours truly. 

YO. 2012 is here. 2011 was a crazy roller coaster and there were times when I was literally hanging on to life but I learnt a great deal about myself. Aaannyyyywaaayss... 
Happy NEW year People. 
It was a bittersweet third and final new year in Manipal. It's always fun when everyone is having a great time together. 

“There comes a time when silence is betrayal.” Martin Luther King
  A bitter lesson i Learnt during the break. Many a times have I been swept with the intense sense of helplessness as practically nobody ( even the dearest of them all) had done a single thing to aid or defend at a time of crisis. I never wanted anyone else to feel the same way but somehow that night, I just did simply by not doing anything. I did nothing wrong, but I didnt do whats right when I could. The guilt is terrible. For the amazing person you are, please find it in you to forgive me. 

At 3 am, I was at a friends place, I get a call " i think Ur house is on fire, come home quick" so much for my hopes of a drama free year. I ran hurried home to find smoke filled the room up to the level of my waist. Apparently, the candle I had left lit in the bathroom ( as my bathroom light was out) had melted to the end and the flame started feeding on the toilet tank of cheap plastic. I put out the fire of the burning plastic on the ground, walked back up and sat down . The intoxication, the guilt, the helplessness just ripped me from within. Not a great start. But yea. 

I am currently at the library. Wasnt really planning on writing this post but since I cant connect to facebook, I had to justify my rs10. End posting is tomorrow. I learned learned shit for obg. My timings are always way off. pffft.. F1 and F2 will be united again come this friday for surgery and its four down and two to go. Thats 8 weeks more, and so long Manipal. Hello MELAKA.. North India =S See lah how it goes. 

My one hour is up. This was worth the ten ruppees =) Out!



>> 11 December 2011

Its 6.14 am Sunday 11th Dec 2011. Yea IM quite intoxicated but if such an act could bring fb about, wats there to be ashamed off. :)
Its been super hectic since I last posTed. With interbatch , annual day and LAGENDA one can only imagine the physical n mental exertion. As per interbatch, b25 is currently leading with a large advantage. We got the highest points for the cultural event and I hope our sports people bag the trophy for intetbatch. To mention a few issues regarding interbatch, its freaking obvious our group performed the best for the Indian dance and ive finally found it in me to not care of outcome of the competition. We proved ourselves once again during LAGENDA. You cant deny talent. We are the best and we need nobody to tell it to us. On a different note, to all those who assumed I wouldnt be able to lead a class of 147 ppl and bring batch 25 to great heights in interbatch, thank you for giving me the extra drive and encouragement. As much as I respect your rights to an opinion, I really wished you had more faith in me as a friend. No issues though but it was worth mentioning.
Annual day was blekz WEN it came to rehearsals and crap but it turned out to be an amazingly successful event. The lecturers performance were simply fantastic. More tman anything, I felt I actually looked great and took hundreds of pics to remember how stunning batch 25 looked on thst say. And LAGENDA really made me feel proud as a malaysian. I thibk us msians actually do take the diversity of our rich culture for granted and it us such events that dispel our ignorance. Its 6.30 now. Duwaraka opens in half hour. I need a cup of coffee and a good days sleep. Pics to be uploaded soon.

posted from Bloggeroid


So far in third year...

>> 08 November 2011

I'm just goinna skip my apologies for the long intervals between successive posts henceforth as I'm somewhat accustomed to this tempo of updating this blog. This post is entirely to clear the very emo post below from taking the first spot. Lol  I am now without an established internet line at home hence my accessibility to facebook and blogger is severely disturbed. But when there's a will there is a way and thanks to Airtel mobile services, *poof*

The past few weeks have been very exhausting but I do prefer this end of the spectrum rather than the idle unproductive end =) Interbatch is getting a whole lot interesting and batch 25 isnt doing too bad to say the least. Champions of mad adds, streetplay, volleyball, we are almost there if we keep the momentum going. Some of the other events that have occupied my days this third sem were the Dhol Baje ( am seriously goinna miss it once I leave Manipal), the Diwali open house and the Lanterns thing-y.

 On a different note, it took some time for the F group to come up with their photographers but better late than never.

That's all for now I guess. Dont expect an update anytime soon and prolly you might be in for a pleasant surprise =)
My mood is still so out of tune =S


Haters goinna Hate

I think after a very very long time Ive brought myself to hate again. Its such a strong word but yes hate. Not anger. For if you're angry, it only means that you still care. But I dont think its the case anymore. I just want nothing to do with the concerned persons. Nothing. The irony of the whole damn thing was I perceived them to be people closest, but in a matter of hours, i put the pieces of the jigsaw together and brought myself to see the entire picture. I have given in too much and kept quiet too often. I know I am a bit late in voicing it out but maybe that's just what you do when you care. I keep ignoring things coz the companionship matters most. But what if it works only one way and everything I did seemed to have been amplified and regarded as teh most heinous of acts when I never had any intentions of causing distress in the first place. The painful moment when the bitter reality establishes in your mind that you are only needed but never wanted is one that never fades. It will be hard erasing you. But I will bring myself to do it. For You are not the first , and for sure, you wouldnt be the last. I do wish you all the best in whatever you do. Clearly you are mistaken to think I am angry or am spiteful or in the mood to be vengeful. But I assure you, Im doing this for my own happiness and probably yours as well, since I was such a big irritant. I know Im being draggy but intoxication does that in a way. A lesson to learn here is henceforth, I shall point out any form of dissatisfaction for in my intentions of dismissing it,  I actually bottled it up and gave you the opportunity to feed its malicious growth. Signing off hoping for the best for all of us. I still hate you b*tch


Diwali tempe style

>> 25 October 2011

Its the morning before DEepawali and I laid wondering why on earth is the eve a holiday but not the actual day. Anyways, a very happy deepawali I bid to all Hindus, may the year ahead bring joy and prosperity to your homes. Despite rye distance from home, leave it to us mmmc-ians to rock diwali! This would be my last deepawali here in manipal - I better mahe the most of it. Tonight there is the lantern thing by the church people and also fireworks on our side to keep in tone with the festival of lights. And then tomorrow, its back to class. Pffft

Done with the three weeks if psych posting, I have to say its a great relieve as the days of doubting thy own mental status are over. Thank you for showing me that I have six out of the seven pre morbid personalities. The next three weeks : commed. Should be a lil more interesting.
Interbatch is starting this week and this time id am way more involved. Safe to say annual day is coming up and LAGENDA to follow suit. Wrong sem to be mengada but whats done is done. Somehow the circumstances favour batch 25 victory this time and we better win our last interbatch. Regardless the outcome, I hope everyone enjoy themselves by actively participating in the events.
Nothing more to update for now. Have a great diwali! God bless !!

posted from Bloggeroid


>> 02 October 2011

Its the Sunday after the first week of class. Once again, sleeping in has become a luxury to look forward to at the end  of every week. First week of class was pretty much uneventful - speaking stritcly in regards of classes and curicullum =P My first posting is Psychiatry. I solemnly swear the man upstairs is trying to convey a message. Anyways, now twe're in clinical years and the real training to become doctors begin. I have to admit I'm embarking on this new phase with a lot of anxiety. And the never ending introductory classes they had throughout the first week did not help at all.

28092011 is a day I would never forget. Not only did my 21st bday fall on the first day of the auspicious Navarathri celebration but also, I got elected to take the role as Class Rep of Batch 25. I understand I have some large shoes to fill in, and Im super blur about a lot of stuff at this point. Pray I make it through. Thank you batch 25 for the support. Hope I live up to their expectations. And moving on to me 21st birthday, though emo of having it away from home, the people here threw and amazing party for me at Blue Waters. Thank you to everyone who made it the day it was.

They say a picture says a thousand words. Safe to say, a collage could narate an epic =)

Fun aside, being in the prime of thy youth, i guess its high time to work on the crucial changes Ive given up on for so long. It would be a diificult journey but what better time to begin than now?

That's all folks. Till next time. Cheers!


i ALMOST forgot why I stopped doing these nonsense

>> 30 September 2011


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