>> 03 January 2015
It just brings back so many feelings from the past logging back into blogger. I can't imagine why I started a blog back then, and then decided to delete it but regardless, I'm back on now. It's the break of a new year. Netizens everywhere parading about change, padahal, change only happens when you change. Things don't just change just because Earth completed a cycle around the sun. You still have 24 hours a day, 7 days a week , your circumstances are exactly the same as on the 31st just as it is on the 1st of Jan. Maybe at some point, the beginning of the year gives people the extra motivation to change? I don't know. Life sucked in 2014. It still sucks. So Its kind of a whatever thing for me.
All that was running through my mind was memories of my favourite person in the world. The painful emptiness that eats me up on the inside is yet to fade. I keep myself busy with this and that, but when I'm driving and a familiar song plays on air , or at night as I sleep in the mattress by her bed, The emptiness swells. I can only squeeze her bolster so tight while I flood it with tears. I really have been so lucky to be her anneh, and to have had her for 16 years. 16 years of memories to last a life time.
I still remembered when she first fell ill, her first dialysis in India, how we were devastated, how we did all we can to get as much help as we could. But as fate had it written out, she was meant to succumb to chronic renal failure. And just as we were building our strength in accepting the fact that she would have to endure a life tie of dialysis until her heart conditions improves to permit a transplant, fate struck again. Blindsiding us. Death grabbed her in an instant and she was gone.
Not even 48 hours after my finals results were announced, I lost the most important thing in my life. We had planned so much for the period of time till I get posted, We talked so much even about the farther future. And just Like that, all the joy we anticipated vanished.
It was and will always be the most difficult thing I ever had to do, accept the reality that I would live on my life without her. My best friend, the one person I could to talk to about everything and everyone. The emotional response to her demise ranged from devastation to rage to guilt. At some point, I despised God for the unjust fate of my dear one. I still don't know what we have done to deserve to be put through to such a tragedy. But I guess that's life. We are sent here for a period of time, for a purpose. And we are done, we go home. Maybe she was done with her karma. Who knows. But to view things in a broader perspective, the reality of her disease was a life long of distress and pain. Letting her go back to His hands would mean ridding her of all the pain.and If I really did Love her as much as think I do, I would let myself live with this painful emptiness knowing she is in a much better place. I only pray that one day, I will get to hug my baby and shower her with kisses for every day she was away from me.
When she was alive, she taught me and gave me the opportunity to love. Love so deep and divine, not even death can change it. But with her gone, she has shown me my strength. We always see our tragedies as the biggest issues in the world. That is true. But the fact that everybody else are going through hard ship is also true. Poverty, disasters, terminal illness , affecting people from all corners of the world , affecting innocent people of all age. Taking a moment to reflect, that is probably why we were sent here. we each have our role to play. Human beings live a life so complexly interconnected. All our actions at some point will exert and effect on everyone else around. Therefore, it is important that we practice kindness in our thoughts and actions. We are here to be given the opportunity to do good, be good and to serve a purpose to humanity. Dint let the ego cloud your mind from seeing our true purpose of being here by putting our needs and comfort above everyone Else's. As Gandhi says " Be the change you want to see in the world" It may seem difficult, and strange, and ineffective; but every experience you endure has a reason - to build you in some manner, to teach you some lesson you need to know.
2014 has been the worst year of life for losing my darling sister., but , at the same time, its probably going to be the best year ever because it was the last time I ever had to opportunity to be with her. And with that, I pledge to start the new year by living life a little more consciously. I will laugh out loud when my funny bones are tickled, I will cry when the pain stings from inside (probably by myself when I'm alone #kawalmaho). I will live my life and do the things I want to do, at the same time, I will try to figure out my purpose of being here and work towards fulfilling that duty. Signing off wishing everyone a happy new year! May the year be filled with joyous occasions and positivity! God bless